Zombie Strippers! (2008)

I only rented this because I just met Robert Englund and wanted to stay up to date on his movies. It starts off ok. Englund is hilarious as the obsessive compulsive/germaphobic owner of a strip club. Jenna Jameson, in her attempt to go mainstream after retiring from porn, plays a stripper. She won’t be winning any Oscars here, but the girl can certainly work a pole- pun INTENDED 😉 Jenna gets bit by a zombie and becomes uber zombie stripper. The crowd goes while and the other strippers get jealous. One by one they each turn into zombies and start devouring the clientele in the champagne room. Movie gets rather boring and loses steam towards the end.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

Witchboard (1986)

I remember seeing this as a kid and it scared the hell out of me, so now that I’m all grown up I thought I should try it again. Witchboard stars Tawny Kitaen (the redheaded babe from the Whitesnake videos and Bachelor Party). She and her ex boyfriend Brandon whip out a ouija board when the party gets dull. Tawny gets a bit obsessed and starts using it on her own. Big no no. She manages to piss off and summon some evil spirit who doesn’t seem to like her current boyfriend, Jim. Suddenly people around them are dying vicious, violent deaths and the police are inclined to believe Jim is responsible. He has to start believing in order to save his girlfriend and himself. Solid acting, decent effects. Yup this movie STILL makes me want to avoid ouija boards. I’ll stick to Monopoly.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

Tourist Trap (1979)

Featuring Tanya Roberts (Sheena, View to a Kill, and That 70’s Show), Tourist Trap is a bit like the remake of House of Wax (2005) meets Texas chainsaw Massacre with a supernatural element. The teens get stranded when their jeejp breaks down and end up at this mannequin museum. The owner, Mr. Slausen, is recluse and definitely a bit off. He tells the teens not to go in the main house, but naturally they don’t listen and must be punished for snooping. He supposedly lives with his brother, who we see running around in a creepy mask. We soon learn he IS his brother and he is all alone with his mannequins which he manipulates through telekinesis to keep him company. Pretty freaky stuff.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

The Rite (2011)

The Rite is about Michael, the son of a funeral director who joins a seminary to begin a new life in the priesthood. At the last minute he changes his decision based on lack of faith. In exchange for acceptance of his resignation, he is sent to Italy to meet with Father Xavier, played by Anthony Hopkins, to observe exorcisms. Soon Michael’s faith is put to the test to save Father Xavier. I’m not a big fan of religious/exorcism movies. This was pretty decent, for the genre, but nothing particularly new or different.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5.

The Old Dark House (1963)

Old Dark house is one of my mother’s favorite William Castle films, so we took a trip down memory lane together. Tom Poston stars as a young American invited to his eccentric British roomate’s family home for a weekend. The house is full of quirky relatives and one by one each is killed. Tom has to dodge the killer and try to solve the mystery. It’s more comedy than horror. Reminded me of High Spirits or Clue. Very cute.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5.

The Howling (1981)

I was inspired to watch The Howling in honor of the latest Monster Mania convention. I only ever knew Dee Wallace Stone from E.T, Cujo, The Frighteners, and Hills Have Eyes. I’m not much of a werewolf movie fan but this was something different. It had this underlying sadness that just put me in a weird mood afterwards. The special effects were not like American Werewolf in London but still had an impact. I think I will avoid the sequels, but this was truly a great story.

Rating: 3 out of 5.

The Hills Run Red (2009)

Tyler is a young and horny college kid becomes obsessed with a banned horror flick that was said to be “the scariest movie ever made”. All copies of the film and those involved in its making vanished. Tyler sets out on a road trip with his girlfriend and best friend to track down the film’s origin, simultaneously filming a documentary. He finds the deviant daughter of the director working at a strip club and its all downhill from there as he interviews locals and uncovers the truth. Hills Run Red was a bit predictable for this horror veteran, but it didn’t lack imagination and gore and a creepy villain. (there’s also some nudity in there if that will seal the deal for you pervs).

Rating: 1.5 out of 5.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008)

Molly is a troubled girl starting over at a new school. I find it extremely hard to believe that Chace Crawford, one of the popular boys, would be interested in her. Her spidey sense should be tingling like Carrie White!! Particularly, since her own mother tried to kill her. Was Mom nuts? Or is there a reason Molly shouldn’t survive past the age of 18? The weirdo religious nuts in the town all want to “save” her but is it too late? The trailers were intriguing but unfortunately, the movie falls flat.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

This is definitely a great follow up to the first film. Sarah was the only one to survive the spelunking expedition from hell and is now in the hospital with no memory. The other girls are still missing and the police want some answers. Naturally the best way to get them is to bring Sarah back to the cave right? It works, but not before some of those cave creatures make a hot lunch out of a few officers. Sarah is the only one who knows how to maneuver around the monsters and find the way out. More of the same gore and effed up situations that make you savor daylight and the ability to breath. If you enjoyed the first, definitely check this one out.

Rating: 5 out of 5.

The Cottage (2008)

The Cottage is a light horror movie- if such a thing exists. Two brothers kidnap a young woman for ransom money. They’re not professional thieves and run into some issues. Things go awry when their hostage escapes for help, taking one of the bumbling brothers with her. They come across a cottage in the middle of nowhere (always a great place to go for help right??). They soon discover that a deformed psychopath lives there and he’s non too thrilled with unannounced company. Great gore, laughs, and British accents. Something a little different for those fans of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Shaun of the Dead. The ending is pretty amusing.

Rating: 3 out of 5.